Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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