brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
