I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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