i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
