I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Randomize