I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
