I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
