I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
