there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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