I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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