I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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