last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
