so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
