Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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