Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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