There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
