I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
