Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
