I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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