Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
