don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
