This is not my ceiling
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
