I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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