my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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