I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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