I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
