dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
