He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
