Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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