Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
