please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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