I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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