the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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