paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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