Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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