mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
