Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
