how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
