you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
