I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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