I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
