i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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