Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
