My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
