Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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