allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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