I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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