you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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