Only a mothe r could love this liver
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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