Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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