the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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