i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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