I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
