I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
