We named our party play list daddy issues
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
