I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize