i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
