Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
