I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
